NINJAS AND OTHER BULLSHIT !
by GaryTheNinja
Summary: It's got ninjas
1. Chapter Itchy

**Itchy**

Fiercely, the two musclebound ninjas fought. They slashed and slashed and slashed at each other relentlessly, each skillfully deflecting each other's attempted deathstrikes as they continued on. They went on like this for hours on end, until finally they both accidentally dropped their swords due to how unbelievably sweaty their hands had become. "AW FUCK, I DROPPED MY MOTHERFUCKIN SWORD !" they both bellowed loudly and simultaneously in their extremely similar, extremely deep, gravelly and above all extremely American sounding voices, their neck veins bulging wildly as they did. It was funny how they both had American accents considering the fact that they were ninjas, but whatever. Rather than simply take a moment to pick up their swords like any normal ninja would, they continued on with their epic battle, only this time using their massive, meaty fists to do battle with. For another ten hours they carried on like this, swinging at each other wildly with said meaty fists, each skillfully deflecting each other's blows, only occasionally landing one of them on the other's perfect body, before finally one of them suddenly remembered that he had a fresh set of ninja stars contained in a holster that was strapped to his right leg. His opponent's angry left hook was coming right for his jaw in an attempt to put him in a hospitable bed for a good few weeks, but Gary was having none of that shit. Deftly, he ducked to avoid the strike, and then without a moment's pause or hesitation, he removed one of the shiny ninja stars from the holster and with great precision and speed, he flicked it straight at Bob's dick, point blank range. The star having deeply imbedded itself in his bell end, Bob let out an extraoardinarily loud and high pitched scream, frantically running around the ring and flailing his arms about, before promptly keeling over and dying on the spot.

Gary couldn't help but piss himself laughing as Bob made all of his pre-death ruckus. As Gary continued to laugh even after Bob's sudden departure, an eerie cloud of smoke began to emanate from the corpse, high up into the air. It was Bob's Ghost. "YOU CHEAP LITTLE BITCH ! HOW DARE YOU PULL SUCH UNDERHANDED TACTICS OUT OF YOUR ASS IN WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SERIOUS FIGHT !" exclaimed Bob's Ghost angrily. "All's fair in love and war, FAGGOT ! Anyway I'm tired so I'm going to bed" replied Gary casually. "Wait a minute there Gary" said Bob's Ghost. "You can't just leave me here like this. That asshole Reaper will be here in a minute to claim me unless I get revived. You gotta do the "BS Deus Ex Machina" jutsu". "Oh but I'm tiiiiired" replied Gary like a whiny little bitch. Now this really boiled the blood of Bob's Ghost; That is, if he had any. "I DON'T FUCKING CARE HOW TIRED YOU ARE, BUTTLICK ! YOU STUCK A SHURIKEN IN MY FIREMAN'S HELMET, SO DO THE GODDAMN JUTSU OR I'LL HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS !". "Ugh, stop shouting" replied Gary wearily. He then proceeded to yank the star out, wipe the blood off of it and then perform the goddamn jutsu. Bob was quickly revived. "OWIE, OWIE, OWIE IT STILL HURTS AND IT'S BLEEDING" cried Bob, again running around frantically and flailing his arms about wildly before once more keeling over and dying on the spot. Palming his face in frustration and letting out a weary sigh, Gary thought about it for a moment and decided that it would be best to use the healing jutsu to patch up the dick wound before using the "BS etc." jutsu.

After all was said and done, Gary and Bob made their way down from Mount Bagel, named so for it's peculiar ring like shape and also the fact that it had a giant cream cheese waterfall at the top. " So who would you say won that one?" asked Gary. "It could only be called a draw, and that's being generous you cheating piece of shit" replied Bob snappy like. Gary said nothing in reply whilst turning his smirking face away from Bob.

As they reached the bottom, they each said their goodbyes. "Goodnight Bob". "Fuck off Gary". Gary finally reached his house after 20 minutes of walking, hopping in the shower almost as soon as he got in. "YOU'VE GOT THE LOOOOOOVE, YOU'VE GOT THE LOOOOOOVE, OH YOU'VE GOT THE LOOOOOOOOOVE" Gary sang in a most gruff and manly voice. "IT'S TWO IN THE MORNING GARY, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Gary's neighbor Paul screamed whilst banging on the walls. Gary kept on singing anyway. After having a good, thorough wash, and I mean REALLY thorough, Gary put on his ninja jammies and crawled into bed and snuggled up with his pet cat Chester, before suddenly BAM, his boss Ross burst into the room, scaring both Gary and Chester nearly half to death. "YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN WORK FOR NEARLY THREE WEEKS YOU LAZY BUM, SO YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THAT BED AND COVER THE NIGHT SHIFT OR YOUR FIRED!" screamed Ross before slamming the door shut. Gary's struggled to keep his rage in check as nearly every vein in his body bulged to the surface of his skin. With a weary and angry sigh, he got up out of his comfy bed and changed into his uniform, ready for the damn nightshift.


	2. Chapter Knee

**Knee**

Gary, his eyes wide open in pure, unfiltered rage, like a pair of big white saucers with two Oreos in the middle, stood there behind the counter in his uniform, tight against his huge, rippling body, breathing deep, hot breaths. He was going to crack any minute. Suddenly the phone rang. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" he screamed at the top of his voice as he picked it up to see who was at the other end. "Salutations, my child" replied a deep, milky smooth voice, calm as. "I would like to order a simple cheese pizza, accompanied by a large Dr Pepper. Please make haste, lest I DESTROY THE UNIVERSE!". This last part the mysterious stranger made sure to deliver with just the right amount of dramatic flair and menace. "Who is this?" Gary queried as he squinted with suspicion. "Why God of course!" replied the heavenly father. "Well, GOD! I feel I should let you know that I haven't slept in a week, and as such I AM IN NO MOOD TO TOLERATE THREATS, YOU DAMN SQUIB!". "And I feel I should let you know that I'm hungry, and the heavenly oven just short circuited. Deliver the pizza Gary, or else! 30 hours or less". And then he hung up. Suddenly Ross burst onto the scene from his office. He liked bursting in. He liked it a lot. "GARY, YOU'VE GOTTA MAKE THAT DELIVERY. THE FATE OF THE UNIVERSE LIES IN YOUR HANDS!". "Oh please, it was probably just Bob making prank calls again". "Gary make the delivery or you're fired!". "FUCKNUTS!". And with that, Gary set off on his perilous journey to satiate a divine hunger and secure the fate of all that he knew and held dear, but he wasn't the least bit happy about it, oh no.

As Gary reached the precipice of his beautiful village, he took a moment to look back longingly. "I'll be back soon, my Chester" he uttered softly as a single manly tear fell from his eye. Turning back to face the path ahead of him, his face filled with an expression of determined rage. As you can probably tell by now, a lot of the emotions that Gary (and Bob for that matter) express are often sprinkled with a hint of rage. "You want your cheese pizza, oh lord?! Well, you rang the right delivery boy". Gary ripped the uniform from his body to reveal his skin tight ninja suit that made every feature, especially his beautiful twenty four pack, nicely visible. Oh yeah and it showed off his package quite nicely also. His entire attire was complete with ninja stars, huge ass katana, and MOTHERFUCKING WOLVERINE CLAWS!. I repeat, MOTHERFUCKING WOLVERINE CLAWS!. Oh and also the pizza box, containing the sweet cheese pizza, as you would expect. Leaving his tattered delivery uniform behind, he took his first steps towards destiny, and as he did so, a glorious sound emerged from the heavens. Indeed it was the choir of destiny themselves. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah". And then the Electric guitars kicked in.

"WHEN THE NIGHT IS LONG, AND THE HUNGER'S STRONG,

YOU CAN COUNT ON HIM TO BE THERE IN A HURRY,

WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, AND YOUR STOMACH'S TIGHT,

HE'LL COME CRASHING THROUGH YOUR DOOR, WITH SOME CURRY,

NO, PIZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!,

IT'S ACTUALLY PIZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!,

MOTHERFUCKING PIZZAAAAAAAAAAAA!".

Beown, beown, beown, those guitars went as the song of destiny played on.

"HE IS THE ONE THEY CALL GARY,

NOT BARRY, OH NO, DEFINITELY GARY,

BUT HE'S ALSO KNOWN BY ANOTHER NAME,

AND THIS NAME IS".

Dramatic Pause.

"DELIVERY NINJA!"

With this last line, Gary bounded into the air with great force, leaving a crater in the ground as he did so. Still the guitars and the many other instruments of the choir of destiny sounded as Gary flew through the air, before landing into a sprint that would leave a host of mini craters where his feet had propelled him forward. The Universe would not come to an end, not while the blood still flowed through veins, all bulgy like. You may have noticed that I like describing Gary's physical form quite a lot. Well keep noticing motherfucker!


	3. Chapter Sandra

**Chapter Sandra**

Through the big, green field, Gary sprinted like Usain Bolt. He could feel the wind churning high up in the sky as he ran, and he could hear the sound of mighty wings beating against the air in the short distance. Before he knew it, two colossal, musclebound figures descended from the heavens and landed in front of him with a crash that sent violent ripples through the ground. Raising their heads to meet his gaze as they stood upright, they proceeded to make a gaudy display of their power. A massive, rushing column of water jetstreamed from one mouth, and an incredibly large cloud of fire emanated from the mouth of the other, the sheer heat of the flames scorching the grass as it did. Both the water and the fire were aimed square at Gary's nuts. Like a flash, Gary leaped into the air to avoid the attack, only to see a gigantic, scaly red fist fly towards him with tremendous velocity, a velocity he felt the full brunt of. Luckily for him, he blocked at the very last second, thus minimising the potential amount of damage to his body, however he was still sent flying a long distance. Skidding along the ground as he landed, trying desperately to steady himself, he raised his head and addressed his assailants. "YO, WHAT THE FUCK'S YOUR COLLECTIVE DEAL?!". "We's was hopin to get a slice of that sweet cheese pizza you got on your back there" the one on the left said "We's done smelled it a mile off and so decided to go ahead and kill ya for it. Figured we'd have ya fa dessert". "You don't get a say in the matter, BITCH NINJA!" the one on the right chimed in. "Oh really?!" Gary replied calmly as he unsheathed the huge ass katana on his back, before leaping in the direction of the dragons and swinging wildly.

The three of them fought for a good 5 hours. Gary delivered swing after swing after ferocious swing of his blade, met by a constant flurry of terrifyingly strong kicks and punches, combined with the occasional blast of fire or water, which, had it not been for Gary's awesome ninja skills, might have ended his life more than a few times. Whilst the dragons were definitely starting to grow weary, Gary still had plenty of energy to spare; Such was the result of his extensive training in the past by his revered Master Blowshy, plus the many fights he had had and still continued to have with his fellow student and best friend Bob on a regular basis. Taking advantage of their growing fatigue, Gary deftly reached into his right pocket and conveniently pulled out a smoke bomb, which he then threw on the ground. An enourmous cloud of smoke was the result, and through the murky veil, Gary nimbly made his way around and behind the disoriented beasts and struck. He managed to decapitate the water dragon "Jose", on account of the fact that he was a dosey cunt who probably would have been killed soon anyway, even without Gary using the smoke bomb, however the fire dragon "Auchi" was a tad wiser than his younger twin brother and knew to leap into the air as soon as he could in order to avoid a surprise attack. Once the smoke had cleared, he saw what had become of his brother and consequently flew into a berserker rage. Gary knew that his sword, huge as it was, would no longer be enough to deal with this fight; Not now that Auchi had royally flipped shit. No, Gary would have to resort to using the big guns. He'd have to whip out THE MOTHERFUCKING WOLVERINE CLAWS!

They fought for another two hours, delivering fierce blows of their own whilst also deflecting and dodging the blows of the other. The pressure of the fight was starting to get to Gary, who was steadily losing focus. In a brief moment of carelessness, Gary threw a wild swing at Auchi with his right claw, which the dragon easily dodged, countering with a swift and powerful tail whip. Gary was flung from high up in the air down to the ground like a ragdoll, leaving a small crater as he landed. "FOR MY BRUDDA, and also cheese pizza!" Auchi exclaimed loudly as he readied himself to deliver the coup de grace in the form of a highly concentrated blast of fire in Gary's general direction. "FUCK NINJAS!" he proclaimed as he lauched the heavy blast through his mouth. "NO" Gary replied. "FUCK YOU, FAGON!". And then he bounded into the air in the direction of the firebeam, his claws at the ready. Such was the speed he was travelling at through the air, and such was the sharpness of THE MOTHERFUCKING WOLVERINE CLAWS, that he cut through the very flames themselves, splitting the beam so that it fired off in two directions, much to Auchi's shock and amazement, but Gary was not done yet. His mouth agape, fire ceased, Auchi left Gary with a wonderful opening, and before he could recover from the aforementioned shock and amazement, he realised that the ninja had now landed in his mouth and was making his way down through his oesophagus, and then he began to feel a slight sharp pain, which very quickly turned to agony, and before he knew it, Gary had burst through his scaly chest from the inside, carrying his still beating heart with him. In an instant, Gary made chop suey out of the heart, and thus began the descent of both the dragon, now dead, obviously, and the ninja. Once again, the ground rippled and shook as Auchi's massive form collided with it. Gary landed a few seconds afterwards, and after dusting himself off, he casually strolled off into the horizon, cause he's cooler than Wall's Ice Cream, and ten times as smooth.


	4. Chapter Yonkel Donkel

**Chapter Yonkel Donkel**

And so, with the formidable dragons having been defeated, Gary went on to meet and surpass many more dangers along the length of his journey, none of which the author can be arsed to detail on account of the fact that he's a lazy, unimaginative prick who burns out easily.

As you would expect, he eventually reached his destination and so began knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door. Before long a statuesque figure of about twelve feet in height and five feet in width answered the door, shirtless, wearing white sweatpants. He had both a physique and a beard like no other. "What is it thou seeketh my child, for it beith two in the fucking morning?!. Gary, battered, bruised, tired and more than a little agitated from all his previous battles and adventuring, presented the pizza to god, hoping to get the transaction over and done with as quickly as possible so that he could finally go home. "Here's your cheese pizza and large Dr Pepper, oh holy one". "I see no Dr Pepper". "Oh, Christ I forgot". "DON'T TAKE MY SON'S NAME IN VAIN YOU SPANDEX SPORTING SON OF BITCH WHALE !" God replied furiously. "MY MOTHER WAS A SAINT!" Gary replied in an equally angry manner, because as a rule, everyone in this story is ridiculously, unreasonably, all the time, and so one thing led to another and ultimately Gary and God ended up in a climactic battle to the death. Both had entered into some kind of state akin to (insert bullshit anime powerup here) and consequently blew up a good portion of heaven and it's residents. The choir of destiny suddenly appeared from the heavens above the heavens and, for lack of a better idea, decided to play "The Final Countdown" to accompany the battle to end all battles.

They fought and fought for days on end, each more or less equally matched with the other, trading countless almighty blows. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that they both decided to cast off all weapons, not that God had any in the first place, and fight only with their meaty, manly fists, because of honor, pride and some other bullshit that no one cares about. Little did God know that Gary had deceptively deceived him by concealing a single ninja star between his tightly clenched buttocks, and on the sixth day of the fight, when much of both their energy had been spent, Gary finally felled God in much the same way as he had Bob in their last. Yep, you guessed it; A shuriken to the godly dickhole. "OWIE, OWIE, OWIE" God screamed as he ran around, flailing his arms in agony before promptly keeling over and dying on the spot. Gary, like before, laughed like a hyena on nitrous oxide at the result of the long battle. Suddenly, Gary's laughing ceased save for a few final chuckles, as an eery cloud of smoke started to emanate from the corpse of the heavenly father, and form itself into the shape of a man. Yes, indeed, it was God's ghost. Dun, dun, dun dun dun dun ! "GARY, YOU FOOL, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" God exclaimed loudly. "I "DONE" beat your ass pop!" Gary replied casually. "DON'T YOU REALISE THAT THE UNIVERSE WILL IMPLODE IF I DIE?!". "Err, no, actually, I didn't". "Well, it will, so revive me with the BS Deus Ex Machina jutsu, NOW!". With a somewhat yet wearily submissive sigh, Gary did what he was told, like a good little ninja, however once again he forgot to heal the wound with the healing jutsu and so had to do the whole thing twice, like before.

When all was said and done, Gary and God settled their differences, and enjoyed the pizza and some cold ones with Jesus and Buddha. It wasn't long before Gary said his goodbyes and left on his merry little way to go back home and enjoy a goodnights sleep, snuggled up to his dear Chester. It was as he arrived on the precipice of his village, battered and bloody, eager for rest, that he encountered Ross, who rudely demanded that he pay up what he owed from the delivery. "Yeah, well, the thing is Ross, one thing led to another, and I didn't actually end up getting payed, but you can let it slide this one time right?!" Gary said, not really feeling in the mood for Ross's fowl, greedy attitude. "YOU'RE FIRED, DIPSHIT!" Ross snapped. With this remark, the memories of all the years that he had put put up Ross's bullshit suddenly started flowing in, attacking Gary's conscious mind, and as a result, an anger like none he had ever experienced before, and that's saying something in Gary's case, swept over his entire being, and he willingly allowed to take control. "THAT'S THE LAST STRAW, YOU IMPUDENT LITTLE PISS ANT!" he roared in Ross's face before slapping him so hard that he went flying for miles before finally landing in the pool that lay at the bottom of the cream cheese waterfall and drowning shortly thereafter, on account of the fact that he was so rude to his swimming instructor as a child that the man simply refused to teach the little shit after a while. In fact, Ross had been so unforgiveably rude to people throughout his whole life that, not only did noone give the slightest iota of a shit that Gary had outright murdered him in anger, but they in fact through a party in Gary's honor and named him the village chief. And the moral of the story is, if your boss is pissing you off because he/she is a complete dick/bitch, just kill the motherfuckers, and it'll all be sweet.

Written by Conor Mcallister (Aged 55,001)


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